I am addicted to sugar. It's out of control. I've always been a sweet-tooth, well maybe a junk-food-tooth, is there such a thing? But two years ago I was massively pregnant with my twin boys... Wait, it's not exactly what you think. I didn't throw up my hands and eat whatever I wanted because I was "eating for three", I actually eat quite healthy, and would have treats now and then. But as I grew humugous (by the end I was almost 200lbs) I started to feel like I was losing everything. I lost my mobility, my figure, my identity in a way because I could no longer accomplish anything.
The boys were born and my life became more constricted. As you can imagine, with twins, I couldn't really leave the house, for months. I couldn't do anything but survive in this sleep-deprived state of ill-health. All the things that I had taken pleasure in were gone. I knew in my mind that I now had two darling angels, but the reality was that I felt completed robbed of all pleasure and joy. Looking back, I'm sure I had postpartum depression, but I didn't know it because I thought the way to know it was if I was having thoughts of harm. I didn't ever have those so I thought it was all normal.
But guess what I did have? Food. Sugar. It made me feel good and became my "only joy." I became an emotional eater. As time went on, the boys got older, I got more sleep and began to regain some freedom. But it's never the same once you have kids, every parent knows this. I am always needed, always "on", always at someone's beck and call, never finished my house work.
I realize at this point that this is a dreary picture indeed. I'm sure it wasn't this bad, but it FELT like it was.
It's been almost two years since the boys were born and I have adjusted well. I love our sweet boys and being a mom and being a wife and being a lawyer. I love being a Believer. But my relationship with God has been more erratic than its been in years. A lot because my life has changed completely and I've had to navigate new waters in which to seek Him. But a lot because of the way I eat.
He's been talking to me about giving up sugar. And I have NOT been listening. He's been gently showing me how moody it makes me. How during my crashes I may not be snapping at anyone, but I want to be. How impatient it makes me. And reminding me that I have the power, in Him, to be free of sugar.
Finally, Wednesday morning, I obeyed. I told Him that I was so sorry that I had been so disobedient and that I want to turn to Him and not to sugar. I need You, Lord. I cannot do this without You. You have to be the One to do it for me.
Almost instantly, He was there. It was like a beautiful, strong, reviving wind filled the sails of my spirit. I knew it would be super hard, but I was FINALLY turning to Him to be my Strength and Joy for the day, and that was all that was required of me.
I went out on the deck to read my Bible and there were sparrows playing in the tree and on the fence. And I started to cry because I knew in a new way that God loves those sweet little birdies, and so I know He loves me too.
Please understand that I have not gone rogue - I'll still buy my groceries at the grocery store. I'm not going all-organic and growing my own wheat that I'll ground into flour and kneed my own bread. I can't avoid all sugar. It's in almost everything. But it does mean that I cut out the obvious: fast-food, processed foods, junk food ..................... chocolate.
So I'll try to write out how it goes, and maybe it will help someone else.
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