DAY 6 - Monday, August 15 2016

Yesterday, I would have quit if I hadn't been blogging. I know people are reading this and know what I am doing and are praying for me and supporting me (and some people are just thinking I'm crazy, and that's ok too).

Strangely enough, it's not the cravings that are the toughest for me to get over. They are almost gone. I just got through an entire afternoon without having one! And I was surprised to learn that the afternoons were the toughest.

It's the emotional void that sugar has left in her wake. I mentioned earlier that giving up sugar feels like a really tough breakup I had once. I broke it off because I knew he was bad news, but I was so sad because I loved having him in my life. I feel that exact sadness. Not for the boy, no. For Sugar. Even though I know she's so bad for me, and I am doing so well without her! I have more energy, I have more patience, I am a better mommy and wife and cook! Giving up sugar is beginning to awaken my appetite for healthy foods, and so I am cooking more than the bare minimum. I can't see it yet, but I am certain that my abstinence from 'Ol Shug will show on my waist-line and maybe even smooth out that hint of cottage cheese I am starting to notice ...

So I have been asking the Lord to fill this void that sugar seems to have left. This whole thing is also a fast to know His love. I know that He will, and that He is faithful. And I have followed Him long enough to know that He doesn't (usually) do quick results. The harvest of faith comes from walking in faith. And that walk isn't just across the street, if you know what I mean. He faithfully gives us the strength to take each step and then, all of a sudden, you are in a spacious place, or all of a sudden, He gives the break-through that was so desperately needed. It's in His time, and He never, ever lets those down who seek Him.

So I am confused and disheartened. I feel loss and emptiness and I'm embarrassed to admit it. I want to quit and make a chocolate sprinkle toast and put on Netflix and pour a bowl of salt and vinnies and then have some coke with ice and some ice cream and veg.

But I won't. Because I don't want my joy to be in the food I eat. I don't want my hope to be in the (delicious) Lindor chocolate bar that I buy at Winners (ladies, you feel me on that one). I want my only joy to be found in the Lord. I want my hope to be in the One that never fails. I sing about Jesus being my one and only joy. But I want to live it. And see what the Lord will do. When He shows up, and revives my soul, well, that's the ultimate sugar rush. It's the water that you drink, and never thirst again.

My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare.

- Psalm 25:15

Please Lord, here I am. You see me, I know you do. I know that you are the one who showed me to do this. I know that you want what's best for me. Please Jesus. Help me. Release my feet from this snare. I need you. Thank you for the promises and the hope that is in You. I know you will come to me and change me. Please help me to obey and to trust you. 

DAY 2 - Thursday, August 11 2016

I don't really want to get up. You know why? Because I feel like there's nothing to look forward to, because I can't have sugar today.

I have to go to work and there is a sweet little stash in my desk that I pilfer through throughout the day.

Not today.....

But then I start to think about the long-term goals. I remember what it feels like to have a clear mind, To have REAL energy.

The afternoons are the hardest. I pray through the cravings, get home and am very tired.

I went to bed at 9:20 and slept the whole night through. (Thanks George lol) And thank you, Lord.

Day 2 donzo.

DAY 1 - Wednesday, August 10 2016

I don't want to tell anyone, because I've tried this before and failed. But I tell Mitch and my Mom and I have a feeling I am supposed to blog about it, but I don't want to admit to it because I don't want you to all see me in a couple of months, mowing ice cream and salt and vinegar chips, lol.

But I trust the Lord, I KNOW that the great power that raised Christ from the dead lives within me and will conquer this enemy.

My mom sends me this link  

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2658488/The-hell-giving-sugar-worth-agony-end-Were-endlessly-told-sugar-new-nicotine-Now-witty-revealing-new-memoir-describes-hard-quit.html

and I see that focusing on the long term goals of being a better mom and wife are what I need to think of, instead of the short-term AMAZING feeling of the sugar high.

Every time I crave sugar, I ask that God will show me His love, because I've turned this into a fast.

And I'm sort of in mourning. I feel like I am breaking up with a boyfriend that I REALLY love but I know he's really, really bad for me. 

I get a headache in the afternoon.

But then, it's amazing! I do something that usually Mitch has to do, because I'm too tired and cranky. I feed the boys their dinner. AND I give them their bath. This is a miracle indeed.

And I make it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Praise the Lord, one day down.

Sugar Baby.

I really don't want to write this. I really don't want to admit this. But for some reason, I know that I am supposed to. 

I am addicted to sugar. It's out of control. I've always been a sweet-tooth, well maybe a junk-food-tooth, is there such a thing? But two years ago I was massively pregnant with my twin boys... Wait, it's not exactly what you think. I didn't throw up my hands and eat whatever I wanted  because I was "eating for three", I actually eat quite healthy, and would have treats now and then. But as I grew humugous (by the end I was almost 200lbs) I started to feel like I was losing everything. I lost my mobility, my figure, my identity in a way because I could no longer accomplish anything. 

The boys were born and my life became more constricted. As you can imagine, with twins, I couldn't really leave the house, for months. I couldn't do anything but survive in this sleep-deprived state of ill-health. All the things that I had taken pleasure in were gone. I knew in my mind that I now had two darling angels, but the reality was that I felt completed robbed of all pleasure and joy. Looking back, I'm sure I had postpartum depression, but I didn't know it because I thought the way to know it was if I was having thoughts of harm. I didn't ever have those so I thought it was all normal.

But guess what I did have? Food. Sugar. It made me feel good and became my "only joy." I became an emotional eater. As time went on, the boys got older, I got more sleep and began to regain some freedom. But it's never the same once you have kids, every parent knows this. I am always needed, always "on", always at someone's beck and call, never finished my house work. 

I realize at this point that this is a dreary picture indeed. I'm sure it wasn't this bad, but it FELT like it was. 

It's been almost two years since the boys were born and I have adjusted well. I love our sweet boys and being a mom and being a wife and being a lawyer. I love being a Believer. But my relationship with God has been more erratic than its been in years. A lot because my life has changed completely and I've had to navigate new waters in which to seek Him. But a lot because of the way I eat. 

He's been talking to me about giving up sugar. And I have NOT been listening. He's been gently showing me how moody it makes me. How during my crashes I may not be snapping at anyone, but I want to be. How impatient it makes me. And reminding me that I have the power, in Him, to be free of sugar.

Finally, Wednesday morning, I obeyed. I told Him that I was so sorry that I had been so disobedient and that I want to turn to Him and not to sugar. I need You, Lord. I cannot do this without You. You have to be the One to do it for me.

Almost instantly, He was there. It was like a beautiful, strong, reviving wind filled the sails of my spirit. I knew it would be super hard, but I was FINALLY turning to Him to be my Strength and Joy for the day, and that was all that was required of me. 

I went out on the deck to read my Bible and there were sparrows playing in the tree and on the fence. And I started to cry because I knew in a new way that God loves those sweet little birdies, and so I know He loves me too.

Please understand that I have not gone rogue - I'll still buy my groceries at the grocery store. I'm not going all-organic and growing my own wheat that I'll ground into flour and kneed  my own bread. I can't avoid all sugar. It's in almost everything. But it does mean that I cut out the obvious: fast-food, processed foods, junk food ..................... chocolate.

So I'll try to write out how it goes, and maybe it will help someone else.